DISPATCH 02: AN UPDATE

Hello internet!

I thought I would take a break from writing pretentious poetry that no one want to read in order to say hello to myself? myself. I am writing this for myself-remember? It’s been a month on this blog now, and truly it feels a little bit less ____ than I thought it would. I am using ____ , as opposed to using a real adjective, because I am not really sure what exactly it feels less than; it’s more just a feeling of general less-ness. That is a word right? Less-ness?

Don’t get me wrong, I am really enjoying the process of sharing my work on here; it is just not as intense as I thought it would be. Before I started this blog, I had created this wall around my writing. It was something I would only ever do for myself or the people closest to me in my life. This blog was my first step into the domain of public consumption of my work, and I think that I was expecting something earth-shattering to happen. I was bracing myself for the feeling of nakedness, of regret, of being an imposter. In actuality, I have been met with openness, kindness, support, as well as a lot of apathy (in a good way)!!

Sharing my work on this blog has proved to me something my mom has told me since I was little: people are not looking at you in the way that you think they are.

On my good days, I had visions of my blog going viral overnight. I would become a literary sensation and Random House would be knocking on my door with a book deal.

On my bad days, a maximum of three people would read my posts; my mom, my weird ex-boyfriend, and my “nice” co-worker who I bullied into it.

Now we all know I did not become a star overnight, and I have gathered a following of about 1000 of you angels, so neither of these predictions were accurate. In reality, the results were somewhere in the middle. Which I am learning to accept is pretty much always the case for any outcome in life.

Somewhere in the middle.

A little bit less than your wildest dream, a little bit more than your deepest fear.