HELP I’M ALIVE
They say as writers, we’re here to interpret the world. Which means we must keep our sensory receptors open so that we can receive the world’s inputs— take in it’s motions, process them, and hopefully spit something back out is somewhat helpful or relatable to readers. But this then begs the question— is writing for the people who are reading it, or is it for the writer? I think this is something that I’ve not yet figured out, for myself at least.
The flow state that I get into when I write is akin to meditation, of course I've famously never meditated, but I imagine they are similar. So I guess I'm wondering why it's so hard and painful to get into that place? To find that flow and to stay there for a while? Ugh, it's like anything that's good for you really, or pleasurable, right? Like exercising, or eating healthy, or being independent, or doing something for someone else. It's all a bit of a drag, at least at the start. Maybe that's my depression talking.
It's funny though when you think about it, everything that is ultimately pleasurable is painful at the start. I'm sure there is something meta there that needs to be extrapolated on, and my job as a WRITER, yes i'm a writer, is to put this juxtaposition, into words. To jettison it into being, a state of understanding. This rather unfortunate, yet strangely reassuring dichotomy that seems to explain life so well. Things that make you feel good, and I'm talking about good good, existentially good, morally good, not just glutinously good, are actually kind of shitty to do! Or at least to start.
So yeah, confirmed, it's my depression talking.
I guess I’m stuck in this place of, should I do all of the hard things so that I ultimately end my life feeling a sense of moral fulfillment and high self-efficacy, or do i just do what makes me happy now because tomorrow isn’t guaranteed, yolooooooooo, etc etc.
Now naturally, there IS an in-between. There does exist a way of doing both. Society likes to call this ~moderation~ and delayed gratification (barf). This idea that you do things that make you happy, while also keeping in mind the longevity of your life, and the things that will make you feel metaphysically good, not just hedonistically good. But ALAS, I don’t believe in this type of balance. JK I do but help! It’s hard!
Historically, I’ve been quite terrible at this type of balance, and historically, I don’t like things I’m not good at. So now I’m all like, fuck it you only live once do what makes you happy because we all might die tomorrow anyways, so don’t drink water and cancel plans!!!!!!!!!!! But alas, this also feels problematic.
You know what? Maybe I’ll test out the middle ground for you guys, and let you know what the hype is all about. Ill drink water, see my friends, exercise a normal amount, and have a burger when I so god damn please, because I am a modern woman!
Rescue me if I’m not back in 30 days. Love you guys.
Svenny