STARE-PHANIE

When I was younger I would spend hours in the bathroom staring directly at my own face

I would straddle the toilet in preparation to stare

I would find the rays of light coming through the window and would align my eyes directly with them

so that all I could see was the wavering light causing my eyes to glimmer

When I eventually got bored of my eyes I would move on

to my nose to my lips to my cheeks

I found comfort in the fact that my face was the same

the same today as it was yesterday as it would be tomorrow

As I grew up, this past-time of mine began to horrify me

I never thought of myself as vain

so my younger self’s narcissism was foreign and startling to me

More and more frequently however, I catch myself staring at my face again

When everything inside me and everyone around me is constantly in motion

I can always find stillness by staring at my face- the sameness of my bone structure is very reassuring

In the sense that, maybe not everything has to change

Hold on- I need a glass of water

Ok, I am back. Water tastes the same

Maybe I can find shelter in this sameness instead

More hydration. Less narcissism.